so as mentioned before i have a new job... where? at a motel in their conferences and events department. i work amongst a lot of paper pushing, corporate zombie types in 2x2 cubicles.
the 'coporates' as they call them, although hard working seem to be just all work and no play. most of the laughter and smiles come from the cleaners of the motel, who to me seem more welcoming and pleasant to be around with.
the day before i went out of my way to go shopping for a new outfit for a friends going away. the reason is not so much that i needed an outfit for the party, but because i knew i was to change at work and i felt that i needed to appear a certain way for them not to judge me. in the end i dint find anything that i was happy with, and came home and spent over an hour rummaging through my closet trying to find something appropriate. the problem was my clothes were either too.... well... too sexy, too alternate, too old and no where near as sophisticated enough as the other corporate girls i have seen drinking at the bar after a long days work.... well in short my clothes were a little too... me...
which got me thinking... for the past four weeks i have never truly been myself. like the motel i have taken this corporate and extensive facade, all polite and ever so pleasant.... but deep down; at the back of house; you will find the dirty sheets, the mouldy walls and the dusty floors.
what upsets me most about this industry is that there is nothing romantic about it. all it really is, is about making money. my boss summed it up for me yesterday as we drank our mulled wine.... "this industry is based on politics, pleasing people you dont have respect for, and making the sales. that is why i wanted something more simple when i first came to australia. but then they gave me this... responsibility"
this shook me, is this what i have to look forward to?
further more i stopped and thought, is this why i have found it so hard to be the real me? more so than i have in the past?... am i starting to pretend to be someone i am not just so i can fit in?... i mean; there i was with my hair in a french twist in my suit jacket and heels, discussing work over mulled wine.
i cant be ungrateful, especially not at this point. but there is this nagging force inside of me that just wants to be at the studio again, dealing with clients, going through photos, creating ads and albums and making beautiful memories. i remember, wearing all black with my hair in a mess, my feet crossed at a computer desk wearing dark eyeshadow to hide the bags under my eyes.
so i wonder... will this job change me?